A long time ago in a land far, far away — Los Angeles — this guy here was a fairly serious yogi. I practiced for two years, pretty intensely, and saw a ton of benefit from it. Then we moved twice, I got sick, and it all fell away.
I went back today, not yet four months post-op. I was nervous about going to the studio. The sign on the studio door says “leave your ego and your shoes at the door.” As a competitive endurance athlete for much of my adult life, ego-checking was never my specialty. I’m ashamed to admit I enjoyed racing past the casual cyclist at 30 MPH, or chasing down every runner or slow biker ahead of me on the jogging trail. Now, when I go for a run/walk (I can run for 1 minute, then walk for 5), I’m the one getting buzzed — by other runners and in my head. Yoga isn’t supposed to be about any of that competitive stuff, though. It’s “meet yourself where you are.” I never really understood that philosophy until recently. Back in the day, I would be doing all I could do bend and twist as far as the ballet dancer next to me in class — which was stupid and wrong, but it’s who I was then.
Today, my legs wobbled and are still shaking, my arms grew tired ridiculously fast, but I held. I found peace and calm. I stayed within myself and did not push. I felt opened up and for the most part, balanced. I’m hoping this will be an answer for me in terms of calming nerves, remaining centered, and rebuilding strength, balance, flexibility, and composure — all things this ordeal has cost me.
A friend of mine recently pointed me to a story on ESPN about athletes and soldiers who have suffered brain injuries seeking cognitive rehabilitation training. I’ve found someone in my town who does that, and will begin working with her next week. All in all, I do everything that is asked of me mentally, but I don’t feel as sharp as I once was creatively or critically. I’m hoping this training will help me gain back lost ground and also stave off any brain fog that could arrive when and if my other ear gets worse. I’ll keep you updated.
People continue to find the blog and write to me. I wish you all well and enjoy the fellowship, even if it is centered on this shitty problem. I fight bitterness sometimes. I’m happy whenever someone comes through a SCDS surgery okay, but there’s always this pathetic twinge of “why me” when it comes to my hearing loss and raging tinnitus. I see Dr. Wiet again in a few weeks, and hope to begin investigating hearing aids, or tinnitus relief of some kind. I got an ear infection in my good ear last week and was left virtually deaf. It was scary, but has since cleared. I feel like a time bomb of potential silence. Almost like I should hear everything I can possibly hear just in case I have to go through this again and lose it all.
But for now, I’m meeting myself where I am and enjoying the day I have in front of me. I hope you are, too.